16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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