Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize