I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
