This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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