he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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