apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
