living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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