May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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