I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize