I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
