Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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