just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
