You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
