Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I want to fling myself into the sun
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
