Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
