Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Randomize