I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
