okay pat passed out under dana's car
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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