I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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