Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize