Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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