I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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