I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
