since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
