Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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