My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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