Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
