I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
