I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
