Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
