I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
