if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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