If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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