After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
