The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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