i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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