I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
