Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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