wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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