FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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