I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety?
No its what 21 year olds are made for
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
