life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
