Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
