I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
