some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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