i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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