All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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