I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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