Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
