I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
