Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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