just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
