Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
