I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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