Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
COCAINE IS GR8
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
