That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
