We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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